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Film Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

23 Sep 14

Dear Michael Bay... I just wanted to thank you for annihilating one of my favourite shows from when I was kid.

To be fair, I shouldn’t have expected much. Most of your movies are really terrible (except Armageddon, thank you for bringing that into my life), and Megan Fox should really just go work in a diner or start a reality TV show.

But I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad.

The whole time, all I was thinking was “what was G.O.B thinking?” Will Arnett was the only redeeming thing about this movie and his character was a total knob. Oh, the ending was good also because it meant it was over and I could leave.

I felt this movie was really just a mix of the first ten minutes of Spiderman combined with the worst parts of Transformers.

The turtles were certainly not teenagers, and you made them so ridiculous that Michelangelo was LAME, and he used to be my favourite. Leonardo wasn’t even really in it, and Donatello was annoying. I never liked Raphael anyway so I didn’t care that you destroyed him also.

Now. Shredder. I was absolutely terrified of him when I was kid. He was the best villain. He seemed unbeatable and he was merciless and scary.

But you made him into a cheap Darth Vadar Robo Cop crossed with Tin Man from the Wizard of fricken Oz. Why?? Why would you do that Michael Bay?

And that William Fichtner guy. I quite like him, quite a lot actually, but can he play anything besides a bad guy? Like really? And, I’ve said it before, but I am SO sick of one-dimensional villains who have no humanity. It’s so ridiculous.

Why would a man go to all these lengths to poison the world for a few million bucks when he’s already super loaded? Give the villains a reason! Revenge! To save their own families! Anything else than just pure nonsensical evil! Be creative.

Also, this movie was far too long. I got so bored. The best part was when I told my friend to put peanut M&Ms in his popcorn and changed his life forever.

So please, Michael Bay. Please stop making movies.

Not so kind regards,

Shannon Williams.

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