Well, it’s officially December and that means Christmas is on the way, even though retail stores everywhere have been assuring us it’s been on the way since March. And so, to get into the spirit of things in the nerdiest way possible, I decided to take a look at what video game characters would be the hardest to shop for at this time of year, and ask what they would want to find under their pixelated Christmas tree?
5 – Rayman
With the release of Rayman Origins, the retro character is fresh in the minds of small children and and 25-year-olds everywhere – but what would this weird, limbless creature expect to find in his stocking? He’s a silent hero, roaming the world with a collection of colourful friends who communicate with high-pitched squeaks. There’s not a whole lot of clues going on there. After a huge amount of deliberation and research, the only valid present I can think of is a pair of arms. That’s what I’d want if I’d been running around saving the world since 1995 without them.
4 – Bowser
He’s been foiled for years, so it’s safe to say this poor bastard never gets what he wants, at Christmas time or otherwise. Bowser has been screwed over by game creators since day dot, never winning anything in his whole damn life. Plus there can’t be anything much more degrading than being beaten by a tiny, moustachioed Italian plumber, especially if you are a gigantic, muscular, spiky turtle monster beast. He can have Mario for Christmas. And the princess. Does he want to eat them or what? I don’t know, but he can have them. I don’t even care. And whatever else he wants. Poor guy.
3 – Heihachi
What do you buy for a geriatric badass who doesn’t take shit from anybody? Heihachi doesn’t need a home gym seeing as he is constantly staving off the attacks of his Devil-blooded son, and the Mishima family haven’t been spending an awful lot of Christmases together given that they insist on attempting to kill each other. Presents haven’t exactly been plentiful. He’s had years and years of beating hell out of whatever he’s up against, so give him retirement. Isn’t he like 109 years old anyway? Put him in a home.
2 – Solid Snake
As the biggest hard-man to ever appear in a video game, Snake has never been one to take the easy way out. Everybody remembers having their minds blown by Psycho Mantis (‘you like Spyro the Dragon, don’t you?’) but Snake has been taking it all in his stride, for far too long. He’s been ninjaing all over the shop since 1987, and he’s never once complained. Give the man a day off.
1 – Mario
Mario has been around for ages and ages, he is THE iconic video-game character, so if anybody deserves a decent Christmas it’s him.
But what does he get? A new set of plungers? A better side-kick? Luigi sucks, let’s just admit it.
Well, if you think about it, there’s only one thing Mario really wants. Time after time in Super Mario Bros, he outwits King Koopa/Bowser, and that stupid little mushroom pops up and says, 'Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!' You'd be fuming, right?
So Mario gets the princess, of course, but also a little respect from Toad, in the form of a 'hey Mario, good job man. You saved the princess. High five. Roll credits, bro.'
That’s just five of the Christmas presents you won’t see in an imaginary stocking this year, but who have I missed? Who would you struggle to buy a present for? Comment and let us know.