G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

I was worried at first about reviewing this game. Having not seen the G.I. Joe film, I was unsure whether I'd be able to appreciate the game. However, after playing it I am confident that both fans and non-fans will find The Rise of Cobra to be an absolutely awful game.

I don't know why it was released as a retail game on current-gen systems when it looks like a bad XBLA title at best, and the cheap Playstation 2 port that it is at worst. The environments are horrifically bland, consisting of the arctic, a desert, some forest and the occasional base. Not only do the enemy soldiers look boring, but they are hard to see at a distance – and that's if the horrible, uncontrollable camera allows you to see them in the first place. Even the giant drill-craft is boring, with the 'earth' it flings up disappearing almost as fast as it appears, almost as if it were embarrassed to be in the game. The 'bullets' are laughable as well, hitting about as hard as their appearance suggests. And whose bright idea was it to give the first unlockable character a  mini-gun that takes about 30 seconds to kill a basic enemy?

The actual gameplay ultimately consists of holding down the right trigger and letting the (mandatory)  auto-targeting system do all the work, though it is just as likely to aim at a bonus points box as it is to lock onto a nearby soldier. This monotony is occasionally broken up with segments in which you control an orbital laser.  That sounds fun on paper, but quickly becomes as banal as the rest of the game.

The Rise of Cobra also seems to think that it is Gears of War, periodically forcing your characters to walk with fingers next to their ears as poorly acted exposition is delivered to you, occasionally in the middle of a firefight.  At $120 RRP, this game is an absolute steal – it steals your money, and your soul. Avoid this game like the plague. Even for a movie tie-in, this game is terrible, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And now you know.