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A Silicon Valley CEO's presentation notes

Thu, 8th Sep 2016
FYI, this story is more than a year old

Boy we are excited to be here!!!!! Yeah!!!!

<silence from the audience>

We have some great new gear that we're launching!

Let's start with the X-Phone.

It's available in 20% more colours starting with space copper pink right through to barf white.

Because our marketing team really couldn't come up with anything new, the colour range is the same as last years, but we've added more pink. Oh well.

Our design is 400,000,000% more designed and the corners are 30% more rounded for four times the comfort!

Our R-D team put in the hard yards and thousands of hours of research, finding out what users wanted. I even read TechDay and NetGuide to score a few hints.

The end result is this:

Assistant walks on stage hands over the new X-Phone and X-Phone plus.

Angrily Whispers at the assistant “This is last year's model!

Blushing, the Assistant hands over the X-Phone Plus, B-but that's the X-Phone Plus S 2015????

CEO Sheepishly puts phones behind the podium; At Peach we've got a long heritage of innovation. This time, We've gone all out with 900,000,000% more innovation!!!!

Yes, we moved the antenna bands a whole 10 mm and rounded the corners a little more. We've taken last year's model and added as little as possible. Boom! It's our most innovative design ever!

The display can now show 40 times the display of last year's models and it is powered by our new X processor which has 20% more gigahertz. Oh and we've added more gigabytes too.

I'm so excited, but there's one more thing. We also got rid of the headphone socket…a bold move like this takes courage!

Oh man I am so excited!!!

Our accountants need to be especially brave counting the proceeds from all the licencing fees everyone has to pay to use a dumbass connector.

I mean they might get a paper cut from all the cash they'll be handling. We're calling this licencing programme the Innovative Dock Integrated Onboarding Development process, or the IDIOT programme.

Just one more thing!

We're bundling earbuds that use our own patented Dual Universal Master Bay And Space Socket. That's bit of a mouthful, so our engineers named it Dumbass

We will also be launching wireless earbuds that don't need a connector – they'll connect using the universal Dual Master Bay And Space Socket – u-dumbass.

Did I mention that I am so excited by this? BOOM! Now for the best part…

You can pre-order yours for the GDP of Ghana or the kidneys from your first born!


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